Make that Line a Circle

Trigger Warning: rape, sexual assault, molestation.

Being a victim and survivor of any range of sexual assault is a life-changing thing, for the obvious reasons; but beyond that it is a unique situation in that there is such a long line of obstacles for the victims after it happens. I can’t say much about those who report their assaults because I have never reported any of mine, but I do know the lifelong obstacles that I have faced and I imagine there are many similarities between those who do and don’t report. One of the major obstacles I come across is feeling very bitter…like Bitter Betty to the extreme. I see myself and where I am in my life and then I look and see where my attackers are in life. My cousin has enjoyed a blame-free life, has a girlfriend, a job, friends and practically two sets of parents (my aunt and uncle and my grandparents). My ex boyfriend is now on his second degree in college, has a job, has extra cash to throw at whatever he wants, and his own place with a roommate that he gets along well with. And who the hell knows where my two ex boyfriends from high school are. My life, for the most part, has been a series of treks both to and from “hell”. This isn’t to say that I don’t have my blessings because I do have a few now that include a supportive immediate family, financial stability (because of said immediate family), a precious dog and two adorable cats and a few very close friends. My point is more that my values, like independence, academic achievement and peace, are things that my attackers have achieved and been able to attain while not having to be responsible for their crimes. I am bitter that they get to enjoy these values and gifts while I am left struggling to get by day to day.

I’m not mentally stable enough to hold a job or go to school right now even though I want nothing more than to be out and a part of those spheres. I start to question if I even have a purpose or if things will ever really get better to the point where I can care for myself. But let’s get to the more uplifting part of this post, yeah? I’ve come to a realization. And this realization is to the tune of David Attenborough’s prompt and silky voice, baby. While watching nature documentaries (aka a typical day in my life) I have been able to slowly try to piece my meaning together. There is something very therapeutic about watching a good nature documentary and I think it’s that they display and explain a very complex world very well and in a way where you are forced to think about things from multiple angles. Being a borderline ass bitch this is usually a way of thinking that never happens in my brain. Black and white thinking is a classic BPD trait so it’s not like this is a surprise or anything, but what if I think of myself as part of this nature scene? What if I can think of myself as a complex ecosystem that goes through drought, growth, desecration, and regrowth? I can be the Atlantic salmon that lives its life for one purpose and then dies once the task is done, but I can also be the same dead salmon that creates the lush and full forests surrounding the rivers. Life is not fair. The sick lions get left behind and starve. Mothers are forced away from their babies by natural environmental occurrences. But these situations also help other species survive.

Bad things can happen and lead to good things just as bad things can happen that end up leading to worse things. I’ve never really felt that it is appropriate for other people to tell victims of sexual assault that something good will come of it someday if you have the right perspective, and I still firmly believe that. Thoughts and opinions like those are there for the victims to come to or push away from as they see fit. For me, I need to look at it like an ecosystem that can be habitation for both good and bad, fair and unfair, acceptance and rejection. I’m sure many have already come to a simple conclusion like this or may see it as a very pointless and dull revelation, and that’s okay. I will say though that this is a very novel idea for me and it goes against almost every instinctual grain in my being so I’m giving myself a high five and a slap on the booty for it.

-M

 

This is a blog post. Can you believe it?!

Life, I have found, is much like a shitty wooden roller coaster you find at that carnival in town that no one’s ever heard of. At first it seems like a good idea to ride, but a mild concussion and a bruised rib later you start to realize that sometimes it’s best to not do things only because you want a good story to tell.

This is how I like to think of my mental illnesses. I spend time and energy concocting lies to tell family, friends, acquaintances and anyone else who may ask about my position in life…but what does this do for me? Increase shame? Yes. Buy me some time? Eh…maybe. Give me an excuse to think I’m somehow a successful human being? Bingo! But, uh, that’s not really a healthy way for me to go about things. I’ve started a personal project that involves me slowly being more open about my struggles and where I am in life. Don’t like that I live with my parents at 23? Well suck it, Barbara. Don’t like that my openness is making you uncomfortable? Then go ahead and shove that Miller Lite up your ass, David.

Now I’m not saying that this is the best path for everyone to take. There are many risks and dangers to making a move like this. Having a good grasp of your mental state and keeping track of the coping skills you have mastered is the best way to tell if being more open is good for you. There are many mentally ill people who don’t have supportive parents and siblings like I do; just as there are many who don’t have steady therapeutic and psychiatric help like I do. Being mentally ill puts us at risk in the context of the public. I’ve been open with people who end up putting me down, shaming me or calling me a liar and it is the risk I run with this new project.

Recently I had to put it on hold due to a quick downward spiral I experienced this past month (hence the AWOL status of this blog) once I was put on Wellbutrin. In the past I’ve been on Zoloft and Prestique and both sent me down a horrible suicidal hole…aaand the Wellbutrin did the same thing. I was a mere shell of a person…a shell with the capability to always be in a depressed and angry mood. I was an absolute joy to be around! -.- In the end my Lexapro dose was increased to 30mg and I don’t want to jinx anything but it’s working out really well so far! And thus the project shall begin once more!

Let me give you an update about a few apps I’ve been using that help me de-stress and keep myself accountable and knowledgeable about my conditions.

Abyssrium: Yes, I know what you’re thinking…this name sounds like something that will drag your depression and self-hate to depths you didn’t even know were attainable before, but fear not because it is actually an awesome app that lets you create and maintain your own coral reef!!!!! Complete with a cutie pie talking rock formation, tons of corals and fish, and cool secret challenges that let you unlock rare fish this app has been a really fun and uplifting to play. The game structure is tap-based, so you earn vitality (the “money” of the game) both over elapsed time and through in-game tapping. You used the Vitality to level up your rock, coral and add new fish and depending on what you level up your tap or elapse earnings will increase. The best part is the rock itself and the fish. The rock will make faces and say cute things like “have you eaten today?” or give you clues on how to unlock secret fish. The fish are very cute and stylized and very accurate to their real life counterparts. If you’re like me and pretend to be David Attenborough while playing this game then good on ya, mate!

Dailyo: This is a mood tracker app that is pretty awesome and easy to use. I first downloaded an app that was called Mood Tracker and it wasn’t really what I was looking for seeing as you had to pay money to have your entries be private so I ended up deleting it once people started following me and commenting on my mood entries…yuck! Dailyo is private and free from the start so you don’t have to pay anything for it or any of its functions. To make entries you first input your mood- and to be honest this is the one part of the app I don’t like as much- you have a choice between Rad, Good, Meh, Fugly (like…yikes?), and Awful. Yeah, the mood labels are simplified and have weird names, but beyond that I really love the app. After you input your mood you can accompany it with an activity- and they have lots of activity icons that you can label to mean anything you want them too, which I think is awesome! Then below that there is a notes box where you can write however much you want in case you want to remember something specific about the mood, activity or contextual incidents surrounding your mood. One of the best parts is that it will have a notification dropdown box on your phone screen if you haven’t put in an entry, which is really helpful for people like me who forget to track fairly often. This app also has a very helpful “statistics” page that shows you your monthly mood chart, your mood counts, activity counts and a listing of your best and worst day according to the entries you’ve put in. I love, love, loooove this feature because as someone with a million and one illnesses I often only remember my bad periods, so this app really helps me remember the times I feel motivated and happy too! The is also a calendar function that will show your average moods for each day. I totally recommend this app to anyone who suffers from mood regulation issues or has trouble with dissociation, bipolar disorder…really anything, honestly. It is a really great tool.

Other than these apps, I’ve been working on reevaluating my values and goals I want to achieve. I’ve noticed that over the past year I have slowly been moving away from the activities and values that mean the most to me. The only value I haven’t strayed from is justice. I am happy that I have stayed true to my activism, but I want my creativity, curiosity and independence back and I want to work on reintegrating these back into my life. I want to create art that is only for my satisfaction instead of forcing myself to create lifeless pieces that I see as societally acceptable. I want to be out in nature more instead of letting my anxiety and past experiences keep me locked up indoors all the time. Most of all I want to feel like I am contributing to my life experience and to my parents since they’ve been so kind in letting me stay with them and helping support me in every way. I honestly enjoy living with them so much and I wouldn’t mind staying here for a while, but I want to be contributing to them financially, even if it isn’t that much.

Writing this all out…it’s crazy to think about how many ups and downs I’ve had in the past month alone but I feel like I’m on an upswing and I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth!!

All the love and care to my readers and everyone out there struggling!

-M

“Lazy and Crazy”

Trigger Warning: fatphobia discussed, body image discussed

I’m 23 years old, living with my parents and unable to handle school or a job. From society’s view I am a giant leech and typical “millennial” who is greedy and lazy. The word “lazy” has always been a huge trigger for me because I spent my childhood being called that. There is a very specific intersection that being fat and mentally ill has, and the word lazy really sums up the stigma well. I have always been bigger- tall and pretty muscular basically, but I was also always pretty physically active until 8th grade when I started becoming incredibly self-conscious. Please keep in mind that I never really knew I had any illnesses until the past two years, so I spent all of my younger years frustrated and misunderstood. I remember when I was in middle school and high school I would get nervous being around my mom because she would call me lazy all the time and would get on my case about how little I would do. I couldn’t really dispute her because all I knew was that I was always upset and never had any energy, so to me she seemed correct. I spent a lot of time beating myself because I didn’t see myself as being someone my parents liked or approved of. I was never living up to expectations and while the rest of my family stayed physically active and involved I was left behind. To this day I am the black sheep in a skinny family, but I can appreciate my size a lot more now.

I want to address how fat people in general are treated in the society I live in. Even though fat people are pretty common we are treated like disgusting creatures. Skinny people here feel superior to fat people and don’t mind showing it by making comments, mocking or shaming fat people. I have had food service workers make comments to me about food I order or second guess my order because they feel like they should have a say in what I do. People mock the way you walk or give themsleves double chins as a joke. Being fat is treated like a crime and most fat hate comes out in the way of false caring: “You should care for your body by eating less” or “I’m just warning you about your weight because I care about you”. Whenever I go on a plane I get looks from the passangers or you can hear the “thank god she wasn’t going to sit next to me” whispers. Think of all of this regular stigma and now imagine how these microaggressions come across to someone with extreme social anxiety and BPD…yeah, not good.

It is that much harder for people who are mentally ill to function in a society that is so ready and willing to tear down fat people. Going to a gym or walking outside is hard because we know how skinny people think of us. There is a very common joke here and it is about seeing fat people at the gym; “why even bother -insert laughter here-.” Skinny people tell us to eat less and work out but when they see us at the gym they just make fun of us more. I eventually found out in high school that it is pointless to try and appease the skinny and feed into their bullshit ideas. If someone is fatphobic (aka hates fat people) they are going to be that way no matter how you act, react or go about your life. You will either be lazy and disgusting or seen as trying to do something not meant for you. “We will be isolated and mocked no matter what, so it is best to start dismantling all of the ideas about fat people now” is what I started thinking. I started looking in the mirror and seeing all my fat and curviness as something that was endearing and cute. I would hold my tummy and fall in love with how soft and pretty my skin looked. I looked at my legs and adored how a nice layer of fat covered my impressive leg muscles. Once I started feeling love for my body it became easier for me to lift myself up when I encountered the cruelty the world offers fat people. I knew that everyone was wanting and waiting for me to hate myself for not following a stupid beauty standard and now I feel pride that I can stand up as a fat person and love my body to pieces.

I still struggle with the word lazy though. Even though I understand the ins and outs of fat prejudice, I still sstruggle with being called lazy because I am fat. I think it is the entitlement that the general population feels they have over a fat body that makes me the most heated. I hate the thought that people feel like they have some sort of “ownership” over me because they can “improve” my body. I want people to take a step back and try to imagine things from my point of view; I want them to understand that I am a mentally ill person getting by the best I can and I also just happen to be fat. Me being fat doesn’t mean it is a punisment, bad, a judge of my character or a look into my habits. I am just fat. More importantly, don’t call me lazy because I am fat. Don’t call me lazy because I am not functioning like everyone else. Don’t dismiss the experiences I have been through because I don’t look like you.

-M

In a Month…

Trigger Warning: suicide mention, medicine mention, sexual abuse,

In a month’s time I have seen my lowest low and an unnatural high. For the past year I had been off my medicine after I stopped going to see my old psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist I was seeing was a very soft speaking and kind woman. She had a very calm demeanor which sometimes borderlined on seeming distant or dismissive. For someone like me, who has been reading people’s body language/vocal tone/facial expression/eyes, it was a bit strange and off-putting somehow. Given the extreme anxiety I had I guess it isn’t abnormal that I would read her aura as something that reflected on me. I thought “It must be me…maybe I am a bad or difficult patient. Am I saying weird things? Am I making sense? Is my frustration coming out too strong? Maybe she is writing down that I am a huge fake…” and so on and so forth. Eventually I began having issues with a medicine I had been prescribed, Trazodone, and it was giving me immense stomach pains when I would wake up in the morning. I deal with general sleep issues and insomnia so I was prescribed Trazodone to help with that. The first few months were great and I was getting about 6 hours of sleep instead of the 4 or 3 I would be normally getting. However as the time went on I was waking up early in the morning with pains like I had been stabbed in the stomach. It seemed like it was triggered when I would stretch or tense my muscles. I have a pretty high pain tolerance so I didn’t bring it up to my psychiatrist until I was really upset about the constant pain. I went in a told her what was happening; that I was experiencing horrible pain and wanted to try a different sleep aid. I also mentioned that I was worried my antidepressant wasn’t working as well anymore.

Well…three visits later (aka 3 months later) I’m still taking both medications and she either isn’t listening, doesn’t believe me, or she isn’t understanding. By this time I was so frustrated and anxious to be around her that I just didn’t ever show up there again. I was so devastated about the whole experience and I had many voices in my head telling me that I had done something bad to bring this whole experience onto myself. That’s a pretty common path for my thoughts to take. After that I decided I would try to continue my recovery without the use of medicine…and it took me until a month ago to realize just how far down my mental health had fallen. My temper and anger flares were destructive and extreme (one kicked hole in the wall and one twisted cell phone later…oops), I was experiencing major mood swings at least 15 times a day and I was extremely suicidal. It felt like my mind was way more out of my control than usual and I was becoming extremely scared. I’ve always been an angry person because of my childhood sexual abuse but I had never been the type to show my anger violently. My OCD quickly latched onto that fear and all the sudden I was obsessively imagining myself hurting other people. My anxiety went through several roofs and I became absolutely terrified of my emotions. I was shutting down to how I dealt with things as a young child and I was risking all the progress I had been making in my recovery.

My therapist recommended a new psychiatrist that many of her other clients see and like a lot. There was a lot of apprehension on my side because this psychiatrist, though he was the most empathetic psychiatrist my therapist knows, is a man. I am very distrustful and scared of men. In my life I haven’t had a consistent positive male role model and growing up men were part of my active abuse so I never knew how to form healthy and safe relationships with them. I was almost certain that I wouldn’t be able to talk about my past of sexual abuse with him, but at the same time I was in such a critical condition and I didn’t want to give my anxiety priority. One day I sat down and wrote an organized list of my illnesses, symptoms and concerns. Psychiatrists make me nervous already because I have a lot of paranoia around being seen as a faker or someone who is just trying to get pills I don’t need (yet another one of my OCD thoughts) so I wanted to make sure I was as prepared as possible to make a good and responsible first impression. I wanted to find ways of decreasing my anxiety rather than do what I normally do; avoid. I ended up writing 5 pages that detailed everything along with symptom severity, frequency and how debilitating I find it on a daily basis. I felt a little like the class geek who writes over the page limit on a paper but it did help me feel more organized and I went into the office feeling like I was prepared for any question. In the end I had a great first meeting with him and after two visits I feel like we see eye to eye on many things.

I feel proud I was able to do a lot of things I haven’t been able to do in the past. I found ways to work with or around my anxiety, I faced a big fear and I ultimately put myself first instead of my anxiety. It is a small accomplishment in the larger spectrum of life, but knowing how different I feel now on medicine…it’s so amazing. I feel so proud of myself and I feel proud for being proud of myself. Sometimes I need to sit back and give myself credit for my small steps too. My life right now is made up almost exclusively of small steps and I need to adjust to welcoming that with kind and accepting arms. I love that I wake up and feel excited or curious about the day…those are things I think a lot of neurotypical people take for granted. My passion and my curiosity are two things I hold dear to me and I enjoy those aspects of my personality most so it is devastating feeling like you’ve lost that; like you’ve lost part of yourself.

Mental illness is part of me and I am slowly learning to incorporate it into my identity rather than isolating it from the rest of me. If I want to accept and validate myself then I feel like I need to accept my past, my issues, my illnesses and my limitations. I can be frustrated, angry, sad, excited and curious – I can be anything while also being a mentally ill individual. I can coexist with myself!

-M

My Issue with Permanent/Linear Thinking

Trigger Warning: suicide, drug/alcohol mention, self-hate mentions, self harm

I’m sure we’ve all had days like this; you wake up feeling oddly refreshed and motivated. Maybe it’s much easier to go out of the house than normal or maybe you feel more comfortable around the strangers outside, but you can definitely tell things are easier somehow. Then the next day comes around and you wake up with that sinking feeling…”Things aren’t like they were yesterday.”

It’s always hard having a good day and then realizing how few and far between those days seem to come. You get frustrated that you can’t seem to keep up the good pace that you had handled so well the day before. My good days are pretty rare. It’s rare that I wake up and don’t feel hopeless or suicidal in some regard. It’s rare that I can think of something I want to do and actually do it. Most days I spend so wrapped up in my head and in trying to sort my thoughts and feelings out I just sort of go through the motions of “life” without actually experiencing anything. It’s easy for me to see why I end up getting so wrapped up in change when I do have good days because the rest of my days are very bleak to me. I won’t describe my good days as manic, because I don’t want to risk appropriating the term in any sense, but I would say they are frenzied for me. As soon as I wake up and don’t feel the dread I start planning my days, weeks and months ahead. And I mean intense planning. It’s something like this: “If my mental shit is gone then I can start looking at going back to college, oh and I should put in an application at Ulta and Sephora. I should also create a walking schedule at the gym down the street and plan to go to that Starbucks and read for a few times a week.” I know it’s hard to understand these plans in context because you don’t know much about me, but I know many of you understand how extreme social anxiety can be and how harshly it can interact with other mental illnesses…what I’m saying is that most of you understand how grandiose these plans are for someone battling multiple mental illnesses.

My issue lies with my thinking. There are many parts of me that still haven’t come fully to terms with my limitations and pacing. I was able to go through high school and some of college because I repressed all the shit I am dealing with now. I was a complete mess and using alcohol, self harm and occasionally drugs to mask all the mental turmoil so I could live my fantasy of being someone “normal”. Obviously that wouldn’t last forever, but I am still very much upset at myself for not being a “normal” person in my own eyes. There is a deep level of self hate I have and a deeper level of hate I have for those who harmed me. When I experience my good days I automatically think as if things have permanently changed and I can just start going back to my life before. I want that to be the case so badly and in the end it makes the next day even worse because I realize that things don’t work that way with trauma and mental illness. There is no straight line or “optimal path” to recovery and management, which is part of what makes mental health management so tricky and difficult. In general people want things to be easily comprehensible, straightforward and consistent….mental illness is rarely any of those things.

I’ve been in therapy since I was 13, and I realize what I privilege it is that I have been able to afford it. At the same time I go through periods where I get frustrated and angry. Surely after 10 years of talking and working through the same stuff I would be better, right? It is taking me a long time to let go of that outdated and useless perspective. I may be in therapy for the rest of my life if that is part of what manages my illnesses and I need to learn to be okay with that. I can’t look at it like it’s some black mark on my being or like it’s a judgement of who I am. When it comes to mental illness thinking in permanent or linear ways only sets me back and I want to promise myself that I will get past those perspectives so I can further love myself.

-M

Apoca-tips for Your Emotional Apocalypse Pt. 2

Trigger Warning: Rape mention, sexual abuse mention, psych ward mention.

About a week ago I wrote a post suggesting media-based material that has helped me during my super depressive/BPD/PTSD episodes, so this post will focus on the activities that I do to try to keep myself level. Note: These are things that work for me and I understand that everyone has different comforts in place. These are just suggestions and general information! 🙂

Drawing: I absolutely love to draw, even if it’s just mindless doodles or silly figures. I find that drawing is a very engaging activity for me to do, especially when I feel frustrated or have my shame triggered. My drawing tends to be more cartoonish because it’s just what I enjoy drawing the most. When I used to have repressed memories come up I would draw cartoon versions of me that would replace me in my memories. The cartoon me would be tough and strong and resist the abuse around me. Eventually “fusing” the cartoon version of myself and my real life self resulted in me being able to ground myself during PTSD attacks. Drawing does get frustrating from time to time though, especially when I can see a drawing I want to do in my mind but I can’t execute it correctly. I am very perfection oriented (surprise, surprise) so when I can’t complete a task to my standards I get pretty angry at myself, so I use drawing for very specific situations.

Poetry: Poetry was something I started writing in middle school and it just always stuck around. I don’t really share my poetry and writings because they always seem to take the same serious and morose tones. Poetry is usually more effective for me than drawing because I don’t see poetry as an art that requires perfection or much structure. The most important thing is that you are conveying the message you want, even if others can’t see it. A lot of my poetry centers around dispelling common myths about rape and sexual abuse. In the aftermath of the Brock Turner case I wrote a poem after seeing people on Facebook post statuses about “girls needing to keep themselves out of trouble”. I wrote about how “keeping myself safe” did nothing to keep my ex from raping me and it helped me process the anger and isolation I was feeling. Writing will do wonders for me because it is kind of like I am talking to myself though the paper. I can comfort myself, show myself love and attention and be validating towards my feelings and needs through writing/poetry.

Coloring: This is a pretty common strategy that many therapy and institutions use to calm and concentrate people. When I was in a psych ward they would make us color all the time, except they would make us color sheets that had shallow optimistic quotes on them…so it wasn’t fun. I really like the adult coloring books because then I can color nerdy things! Yay! I am much more mindful and concentrated when I color so I try to do it if I am in the middle of an emotional episode or anger episode. It helps me step back and recollect before I address what triggered the emotional episode. It is a pretty good DBT skill that I modified to fit my situation.

Fill-In Puzzles: I’ve talked about how much I love doing these before but I have to mention them again. I honestly can’t say why doing these are so pleasing to me, but I love them. It’s like the same satisfaction of putting a puzzle together but it doesn’t take as long, so it’s better lol. I always feel accomplished when I finish one and the competitive side of me is always sparked a bit. Sometimes I will time myself and write the times on the tops of the pages so I can see how my times improve, though I don’t suggest doing that if you’re doing them while triggered or emotionally unstable. I used to feel so embarrassed that I felt accomplished for finishing a word puzzle because it seems to simple and mundane to most people, but I realized I need to be setting my own pace and I should congratulate myself for accomplishing things (no matter how small or irrelevant). Thanks for the unexpected enlightening Fill-Ins! Lol

Animal Crossing: I didn’t want to just put a large “gaming” category because not all games help me when I’m unstable. Animal Crossing is something that was sent to earth by a higher being to bring peace and happiness to all. I love this game so much!! Imagine living in a small town with a bunch of cute and quirky animal villagers where you just enjoy doing daily tasks and interacting with friends and villagers. You can fish, catch bugs, dig up fossils to fill up the town museum and in the second to latest game (Animal Crossing: New Leaf) you can do muuuch more. There is no pressure in the game so you can pretty much set your own pace on catching animals and completing the museum. The villagers are so fun and interesting so it is hard to get bored with them. I really like New Leaf because you play the role of mayor and you can design the town yourself. The newest AC game is Animal Crossing Happy Home Designer, which focuses on the building design aspect of the original AC games and it is just as fun. I love designing aspects of the Animal Crossing game so naturally I was super excited about being able to design bigger buildings. The game is just very vibrant, happy and relaxing. It is a nice mini escape for when you feel overwhelmed or stifled by complicated things.

*The activities from this point on have been edited in on 7/15/2016*

Baths: I was a bit scatterbrained yesterday and left out some of the activities that I recently started doing. I have always been a water baby so soaking in pools and the ocean were pretty normal for me, but I never liked taking baths because I thought they were really inefficient. Now that I realize (after 23 years, might I add) that baths can be really helpful for relaxation and reflection. I started taking baths about a month ago when I slipped into my current depressive episode. I was desperate to find a new room in the house to use as a sanctuary of sorts and I ended up deciding to take a bath and listen to some music and it was A-MA-ZING! Since that day I have been taking baths just about every other day. Not only does it help relax your mind but it also helps a lot of the physical symptoms that I get with depression. It is clinically proven that mental illnesses can very often have strong physical effects on the body so illnesses like Depression and Anxiety can lead to joint pain, headaches, stomach pain and back pain. Soaking in a hot bath with some Green Tea bath salts seems to help my body feel more refreshed and flexible.

Music: This is a pretty basic one, but I feel I should add it because I have a very weird relationship to music. I’m not sure if this is something that is linked to my Borderline but I have always heavily relied on music to help me show or process through my emotions. When relatives have died in the past I needed to listen to a sad or remorseful song in order to start my grieving process. I don’t know how common this is for people (so if you do it maybe write it in a comment or something?) but I seem to need it a lot. I keep lists of certain songs for different situations or emotions or I have specific bands I save to listen to under certain circumstances. I don’t know how healthy this is, honestly, but I do it a lot so I feel I should put it on the list.

I really hope you guys can gain something from my experiences with helpful relaxing agents. Be safe!

-M

Pokemon Go-Go-Gooooo!

Sooo.. first and foremost I am in love with this. I want to marry it, have a healthy relationship, travel, share anniversaries, app swap and retire with it. I was pretty apprehensive about the concept and I didn’t immediately download it when it was released on the app market. The concept sounded awesome and it has been a dream of mine to be able to integrate Pokemon with real life but I have like…4 different mental illnesses that severely impact my ability to just go out and do stuff on a whim. If I leave my house it is a very planned and mapped out ordeal. If I am going to a restaurant then I will make sure I know the route to get there thoroughly, the layout of the restaurant, the bathroom locations, the ordering process, best and most secluded seating so I won’t be visible to many other customers……Yeah, it’s pretty weird when I go out. It’s an involved process for me and it’s what I have to do to try to cope with my social and other anxieties. So naturally Pokemon Go seemed like a really inaccessible thing to me and rather than try and be disappointed, I wanted to just avoid it altogether (surprise, surprise). Anyway, so I was with my brother the past two days and we’re both Pokemon fanatics. He downloaded the app instantly and had been playing it so I decided I would just give it a shot, even if I only ended up playing it when I was with him.

Oh. My. God. I can’t really understand it much but this app has helped my social anxiety so much. The past two days I was out around the college next to where we live and just driving around to different places. I was out and about more in the past two days that I have been in the past month. I was amazed at myself. I was even more amazed at the fact that I was out and experiencing 50% less general anxiety than normal. I almost felt…calm. It was a very weird and inspiring experience. I was reading an article earlier though that was talking about this very thing. Pokemon Go users who have Depression, Anxiety, BPD or other illnesses all report that Pokemon Go has helped them get through their instinct to isolate and not be social. It’s absolutely amazing to me. I’m in such awe that an app has been able to help so many people get outside and social with friends and strangers.

It feels so whimsical. I feel like I have some hope to be more functioning or something, and  I haven’t really had hope like that in a long, long time. My brother and I played our first Pokemon games when we were 6 or 7. I had Red Version and Matthew had Blue, though we eventually switched to get our favorite colors lol. Since then my brother and I have played through every single Pokemon game together at least once. Pokemon was always something I loved and cherished as a child. It was a way for me to escape the reality of what was happening to me and what I was going through. I spent a lot of the time over the years crafting my own Pokemon worlds and guides. I would design towns, routes, pokemon and gyms that would be in my ideal Pokemon region. I wanted so badly to escape my abuse and just be sucked into a world where my only goal was to interact with as many pokemon as possible. The fact that something has been made to make even part of that a reality is…I can’t even really describe it. I’m overjoyed, basically. All of the sudden I don’t feel so dismal and dysphoric about living in this world. Now there is whimsy and fantasy and camaraderie and fun! It was so nice seeing large groups of people walking around the college campus trying to find PokeStops and pokemon. We could all tell who was playing and there was just a sense of kinship with people you had never seen or met before. It’s a really beautiful thing.

I have been seeing some iffy things from the people playing it who are my age (in their 20’s). The servers are still slow and the app is buggy because of its size and scale and that has irked a lot of players. Unfortunately many people my age answer these frustrations by telling younger kids that they have no business playing the app. I know these jokes are meant to be tonuge-in-cheek most of the time, but it is still wrong to be saying things like that. I want Pokemon Go to be an all-inclusive and fun thing that everyone can be a part of. This app can help kids who have trouble socializing or kids who feel alienated from their peers. It could help kids with mental illnesses just like mine! We need to be thinking about these things when we make jokes about excluding people. We should be welcoming kids into the franchise if we want it to be successful; we should be happy to see kids growing up with Pokemon the way we did. Let’s all try to be nice and have a fun time catching Rattata after Rattata.

If any of my followers or readers are playing to tell me what team you chose or talk about some of your favorite catches!

-M

A lil update for everyone

Sorry for the quasi-AWOL period. I am typing this post from a new laptop!! Yay!! I’ve been spending most of the past few days getting this baby up and full of old files from the ol’ ex-lappy. Of course, being an emotional and Borderline person I am having a hard time with not using my old laptop. This reminds me of why I can never give away stuffed animals. All the sudden everything has a personality, name and feelings and then I can’t get rid of them. Poor old lappy…

Anyway, I will be putting up a post today (which I will be starting on after this) about Pokemon Go…of course lol. I was planning on doing my part 2 to the Apocatips post but I’ll push that back until tomorrow. Pokemon is priority 🙂

I hope everyone is happy and safe!!!

-M

Apoca-tips for your Emotional Apocalypse (Part 1)

Trigger warning: suicide mention, self-deprecating talk in the context of mental illness

So if you’re like me you probably have your own lists of activities, shows and music that you use to help prompt your emotions or push your life through to the next “phase”. Being Borderline, for me, means that I rely very heavily on the influences of shows or movies to direct my life and my lifestyle. A key component to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) behavior is a lack of self-identity or confusion about developing an identity, so people with BPD will attach heavily to things that are interesting to them (shows, movies, new people, music, etc.). This isn’t weird or a signal of incompetence. I think neurotypical use strategies like this more than they realize too, they may just not be as aware of it.

Anyway, I did say in my last post that I would include a list of things I rely on to help regulate my emotions and move me through my phases, buuuuut I decided to just put it in a whole post of its own. I have a lot of general interests and I’m a huge geek so my list may not be as helpful for people who have different interests, but I will try to fit my neutral things in too! I’m not sure how many parts this post will eventually have so just stay with me here.

Shows/Movies:

  • Bob’s Burgers: This show, for whatever reason, has really stuck to me. I’ve been watching the six seasons that are out for months. I find that a lot of the episodes I enjoy watching repeatedly and I use the rest as background noise (I’m watching the Topsy episode as I type lol). It’s pretty easy for me to understand why I grew so attached to this show; it showcases some optimistic and supportive parenting, the chemistry between characters is awesome and it helps remind me that making mistakes aren’t the end of the world. Making mistakes is something I am deathly afraid of and it is a key component to my severe anxiety. Watching a show where things rarely work out as planned thus making the family rely on each other and familial support is an extremely positive message for me to see. Now I do have some qualms with the show (they have a handful of cissexist jokes throughout the series and don’t have a ton of character diversity, which irks me a lot) but it has proven to be a great show that is both feel-good and emotionally positive.
  • Nichijou: This is a show that falls into my nerd category, so if you don’t have interest in anime then you can skip this one! Nichijou is one of the best and funniest comedy anime I have seen. It’s an all girl cast, which I find extremely appealing and it always gives me a warm feeling to see a really great all-girl show. The humor is a bit more complicated than the humor you see in most American comedy shows, but that doesn’t mean you won’t understand it. It is just a bit different. One of my favorite sketches in the show is one where two of the main characters go to an amusement park and one loses the other’s wallet. It shows the girls going on roller coasters, swing rides and taking pictures with park mascots and the girl who got her wallet lost just has this completely deadpan face and it’s hilarious. The show speaks a lot to finding fun and meaning through friends and a simple mindset in life. It makes me wonder what my life would be like if I could live in this universe (I bet it would be awesome…sigh..). The characters are really relatable and the show offers something simple and extremely funny.
  • Mushishi: Haha..ha..okay another anime title here, sorry! This is my all time favorite anime and boy is it phenomenal. It has its moments of funniness, but this show is definitely more philosophical. This show influenced me so much that after I watched it I worked to completely organize and schedule my life. I was going to bed at 10 pm and waking up at 7 am, eating three square meals and doing meaningful tasks that made me feel accomplished. The phase lasted about 4 months and that whole time I was watching and rewatching Mushishi. The show is all about teaching tolerance and balance, two concepts I strongly believe in. I don’t want to give anything away about the show’s content (unlike the Nichijou scene I spoiled…oops) but I will say that the main character, a guy named Ginko, is extremely likeable and personality role model for me. The show exemplifies simplistic living, being flexible, living close to your morals and being mindful of the world around you. These are things I struggle with a lot…especially the flexibility and mindfulness. If you enjoy anime and want the chance to be inspired positively then I highly suggest this show.
  • Nature Documentaries: I love documentaries!! My favorites are usually cultural, nature or historical documentaries but I find that nature documentaries are the most emotionally soothing to me. The only downside to them is that they do show violence (like animals killing one another) but I think the narration and pacing of the high quality documentaries (Blue Planet, Planet Earth, Africa) really help viewers not get too caught up by the killing aspects. It takes me like .2 seconds to emotionally attach to something so seeing death is never a really great thing for me, but I seem to do well with nature documentaries. It’s the circle of life and these animals are going through life how they are supposed to, so there’s no need for me to project my messed up emotions on these animals. Seeing the landscapes and hearing David Attenborough’s soothing voice was enough to make my current depressive and suicidal episode a little calmer. Thanks BBC (I’m giving a thumbs up)!
  • The Emperor’s New Groove: This movie is one of my all time favorites. It came out in that weird period where Disney was making more fun and experimental movies about adventure. I’m not sure how popular it is among the general public, but I know quite a few people who also love it. I honestly can’t even guess how many times I’ve seen this movie, but it is probably upwards of 200 times. It is such a soothing movie for me that I use it as something to fall asleep to at night. It’s funny, positive, and it all ends very neatly and nicely. The characters are hilarious and they interact perfectly together and the movie really knows how to poke fun at itself, which is something I appreciate. It’s a feel good movie that just makes things feel simpler for me when I’m watching it, and that’s pretty valuable for people like me. It’s so important to have things that can temporarily alleviate the craziness that is going on in our heads or around us. The main character goes through a rough adventure and comes out the other side as a better and more moral person. It teaches people that it is possible to turn things around or change things that you may not like about yourself. It’s just a really great movie.
  • Sailor Moon: This is a show that I have been watching since my childhood and it has honestly kept its standing with me all these years. The show has such good fundamental values to me that it has passed the test of time and continues to draw me in at 23 years old lol. It’s a female-centric cast for the most part and the power of friendship and personal strength is what drives a lot of the plot, in the end. It may sound cheesy..and it is a lot of the time, but I honestly don’t mind it at all. With shows like these you have to remember that they are meant primarily for young children who haven’t become cynical to feel good cheesiness yet. The main girls are extremely likeable and each character is unique and relatable. I always felt extremely close to Sailor Jupiter/Makoto because she was the super tall, tough and intimidating one of the group but in her free time she really enjoyed domestic activities like cooking and baking. I mean…talk about a character who seemed to be modeled exactly after me lol. I am 6 feet tall, fat and muscular, and even though I have an angel face I still can come off as intimidating. Of course, once people know me they realize I am mostly a super protective softie. I was so happy to see a character who was accepted as both tough and feminine and parts of the other characters really spoke to me too. Sailor Venus is total beauty who still deals with feeling insecure and unsure about how likeable she is, which I related to a lot more as an adult. I am extremely confident about my looks but my anxiety and BPD tends to pull my self-esteem way down at points. Sailor Moon is a show I really liked while I was in middle and high school because a lot of episodes deal with issues girls may face when going through school and growing up, but I still love it just as much now.
  • Lord of the Rings: And I’m talking all of them, baby. I have seen all three movies hundreds of times. This series is one I am most hesitant about recommending to others just because there is a high chance for possible triggering, depending on where your triggers lie. There is a lot of violence throughout the movie, but the movie deals in fictional creatures and a fictional universe so I find it easier to process through. Now Tolkien/Jackson have been accused of racism and I would have to agree just because the “bad” forces seem to be inspired from a tribal model (like hmm who still lives with a tribal model?) and eventually in the second movie there is some negative reference to Middle Eastern people through the use of the Easterlings and Haradrim who fight on the side of evil. This is a movie where white privilege in entertainment comes into play and I understand that my ability to be a critical fan is not something that can be shared across the board, especially with people who these negative portrayals influence directly. I can’t really specify why these movies are so comforting to watch, but I suspect it’s just that I like the movies and I know what I am going to encounter when I pop them in. In the past it has also motivated me to try to be more assertive and proactive about my future, which follows Aragorn’s plotline.

So these are my go-tos for when I’m really struggling and they are also part of my “safe list” (my list of safe shows/movies/general media that I know I will get through safely). If anyone decides to look into any of these then enjoy and if not then I hope you enjoy watching your own stabilizing shows!!

-M