Trigger Warning: rape, sexual assault, molestation.
Being a victim and survivor of any range of sexual assault is a life-changing thing, for the obvious reasons; but beyond that it is a unique situation in that there is such a long line of obstacles for the victims after it happens. I can’t say much about those who report their assaults because I have never reported any of mine, but I do know the lifelong obstacles that I have faced and I imagine there are many similarities between those who do and don’t report. One of the major obstacles I come across is feeling very bitter…like Bitter Betty to the extreme. I see myself and where I am in my life and then I look and see where my attackers are in life. My cousin has enjoyed a blame-free life, has a girlfriend, a job, friends and practically two sets of parents (my aunt and uncle and my grandparents). My ex boyfriend is now on his second degree in college, has a job, has extra cash to throw at whatever he wants, and his own place with a roommate that he gets along well with. And who the hell knows where my two ex boyfriends from high school are. My life, for the most part, has been a series of treks both to and from “hell”. This isn’t to say that I don’t have my blessings because I do have a few now that include a supportive immediate family, financial stability (because of said immediate family), a precious dog and two adorable cats and a few very close friends. My point is more that my values, like independence, academic achievement and peace, are things that my attackers have achieved and been able to attain while not having to be responsible for their crimes. I am bitter that they get to enjoy these values and gifts while I am left struggling to get by day to day.
I’m not mentally stable enough to hold a job or go to school right now even though I want nothing more than to be out and a part of those spheres. I start to question if I even have a purpose or if things will ever really get better to the point where I can care for myself. But let’s get to the more uplifting part of this post, yeah? I’ve come to a realization. And this realization is to the tune of David Attenborough’s prompt and silky voice, baby. While watching nature documentaries (aka a typical day in my life) I have been able to slowly try to piece my meaning together. There is something very therapeutic about watching a good nature documentary and I think it’s that they display and explain a very complex world very well and in a way where you are forced to think about things from multiple angles. Being a borderline ass bitch this is usually a way of thinking that never happens in my brain. Black and white thinking is a classic BPD trait so it’s not like this is a surprise or anything, but what if I think of myself as part of this nature scene? What if I can think of myself as a complex ecosystem that goes through drought, growth, desecration, and regrowth? I can be the Atlantic salmon that lives its life for one purpose and then dies once the task is done, but I can also be the same dead salmon that creates the lush and full forests surrounding the rivers. Life is not fair. The sick lions get left behind and starve. Mothers are forced away from their babies by natural environmental occurrences. But these situations also help other species survive.
Bad things can happen and lead to good things just as bad things can happen that end up leading to worse things. I’ve never really felt that it is appropriate for other people to tell victims of sexual assault that something good will come of it someday if you have the right perspective, and I still firmly believe that. Thoughts and opinions like those are there for the victims to come to or push away from as they see fit. For me, I need to look at it like an ecosystem that can be habitation for both good and bad, fair and unfair, acceptance and rejection. I’m sure many have already come to a simple conclusion like this or may see it as a very pointless and dull revelation, and that’s okay. I will say though that this is a very novel idea for me and it goes against almost every instinctual grain in my being so I’m giving myself a high five and a slap on the booty for it.
-M
The Iceburg Burgeoning 