Life, I have found, is much like a shitty wooden roller coaster you find at that carnival in town that no one’s ever heard of. At first it seems like a good idea to ride, but a mild concussion and a bruised rib later you start to realize that sometimes it’s best to not do things only because you want a good story to tell.
This is how I like to think of my mental illnesses. I spend time and energy concocting lies to tell family, friends, acquaintances and anyone else who may ask about my position in life…but what does this do for me? Increase shame? Yes. Buy me some time? Eh…maybe. Give me an excuse to think I’m somehow a successful human being? Bingo! But, uh, that’s not really a healthy way for me to go about things. I’ve started a personal project that involves me slowly being more open about my struggles and where I am in life. Don’t like that I live with my parents at 23? Well suck it, Barbara. Don’t like that my openness is making you uncomfortable? Then go ahead and shove that Miller Lite up your ass, David.
Now I’m not saying that this is the best path for everyone to take. There are many risks and dangers to making a move like this. Having a good grasp of your mental state and keeping track of the coping skills you have mastered is the best way to tell if being more open is good for you. There are many mentally ill people who don’t have supportive parents and siblings like I do; just as there are many who don’t have steady therapeutic and psychiatric help like I do. Being mentally ill puts us at risk in the context of the public. I’ve been open with people who end up putting me down, shaming me or calling me a liar and it is the risk I run with this new project.
Recently I had to put it on hold due to a quick downward spiral I experienced this past month (hence the AWOL status of this blog) once I was put on Wellbutrin. In the past I’ve been on Zoloft and Prestique and both sent me down a horrible suicidal hole…aaand the Wellbutrin did the same thing. I was a mere shell of a person…a shell with the capability to always be in a depressed and angry mood. I was an absolute joy to be around! -.- In the end my Lexapro dose was increased to 30mg and I don’t want to jinx anything but it’s working out really well so far! And thus the project shall begin once more!
Let me give you an update about a few apps I’ve been using that help me de-stress and keep myself accountable and knowledgeable about my conditions.
Abyssrium: Yes, I know what you’re thinking…this name sounds like something that will drag your depression and self-hate to depths you didn’t even know were attainable before, but fear not because it is actually an awesome app that lets you create and maintain your own coral reef!!!!! Complete with a cutie pie talking rock formation, tons of corals and fish, and cool secret challenges that let you unlock rare fish this app has been a really fun and uplifting to play. The game structure is tap-based, so you earn vitality (the “money” of the game) both over elapsed time and through in-game tapping. You used the Vitality to level up your rock, coral and add new fish and depending on what you level up your tap or elapse earnings will increase. The best part is the rock itself and the fish. The rock will make faces and say cute things like “have you eaten today?” or give you clues on how to unlock secret fish. The fish are very cute and stylized and very accurate to their real life counterparts. If you’re like me and pretend to be David Attenborough while playing this game then good on ya, mate!
Dailyo: This is a mood tracker app that is pretty awesome and easy to use. I first downloaded an app that was called Mood Tracker and it wasn’t really what I was looking for seeing as you had to pay money to have your entries be private so I ended up deleting it once people started following me and commenting on my mood entries…yuck! Dailyo is private and free from the start so you don’t have to pay anything for it or any of its functions. To make entries you first input your mood- and to be honest this is the one part of the app I don’t like as much- you have a choice between Rad, Good, Meh, Fugly (like…yikes?), and Awful. Yeah, the mood labels are simplified and have weird names, but beyond that I really love the app. After you input your mood you can accompany it with an activity- and they have lots of activity icons that you can label to mean anything you want them too, which I think is awesome! Then below that there is a notes box where you can write however much you want in case you want to remember something specific about the mood, activity or contextual incidents surrounding your mood. One of the best parts is that it will have a notification dropdown box on your phone screen if you haven’t put in an entry, which is really helpful for people like me who forget to track fairly often. This app also has a very helpful “statistics” page that shows you your monthly mood chart, your mood counts, activity counts and a listing of your best and worst day according to the entries you’ve put in. I love, love, loooove this feature because as someone with a million and one illnesses I often only remember my bad periods, so this app really helps me remember the times I feel motivated and happy too! The is also a calendar function that will show your average moods for each day. I totally recommend this app to anyone who suffers from mood regulation issues or has trouble with dissociation, bipolar disorder…really anything, honestly. It is a really great tool.
Other than these apps, I’ve been working on reevaluating my values and goals I want to achieve. I’ve noticed that over the past year I have slowly been moving away from the activities and values that mean the most to me. The only value I haven’t strayed from is justice. I am happy that I have stayed true to my activism, but I want my creativity, curiosity and independence back and I want to work on reintegrating these back into my life. I want to create art that is only for my satisfaction instead of forcing myself to create lifeless pieces that I see as societally acceptable. I want to be out in nature more instead of letting my anxiety and past experiences keep me locked up indoors all the time. Most of all I want to feel like I am contributing to my life experience and to my parents since they’ve been so kind in letting me stay with them and helping support me in every way. I honestly enjoy living with them so much and I wouldn’t mind staying here for a while, but I want to be contributing to them financially, even if it isn’t that much.
Writing this all out…it’s crazy to think about how many ups and downs I’ve had in the past month alone but I feel like I’m on an upswing and I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth!!
All the love and care to my readers and everyone out there struggling!
-M
The Iceburg Burgeoning 