“Lazy and Crazy”

Trigger Warning: fatphobia discussed, body image discussed

I’m 23 years old, living with my parents and unable to handle school or a job. From society’s view I am a giant leech and typical “millennial” who is greedy and lazy. The word “lazy” has always been a huge trigger for me because I spent my childhood being called that. There is a very specific intersection that being fat and mentally ill has, and the word lazy really sums up the stigma well. I have always been bigger- tall and pretty muscular basically, but I was also always pretty physically active until 8th grade when I started becoming incredibly self-conscious. Please keep in mind that I never really knew I had any illnesses until the past two years, so I spent all of my younger years frustrated and misunderstood. I remember when I was in middle school and high school I would get nervous being around my mom because she would call me lazy all the time and would get on my case about how little I would do. I couldn’t really dispute her because all I knew was that I was always upset and never had any energy, so to me she seemed correct. I spent a lot of time beating myself because I didn’t see myself as being someone my parents liked or approved of. I was never living up to expectations and while the rest of my family stayed physically active and involved I was left behind. To this day I am the black sheep in a skinny family, but I can appreciate my size a lot more now.

I want to address how fat people in general are treated in the society I live in. Even though fat people are pretty common we are treated like disgusting creatures. Skinny people here feel superior to fat people and don’t mind showing it by making comments, mocking or shaming fat people. I have had food service workers make comments to me about food I order or second guess my order because they feel like they should have a say in what I do. People mock the way you walk or give themsleves double chins as a joke. Being fat is treated like a crime and most fat hate comes out in the way of false caring: “You should care for your body by eating less” or “I’m just warning you about your weight because I care about you”. Whenever I go on a plane I get looks from the passangers or you can hear the “thank god she wasn’t going to sit next to me” whispers. Think of all of this regular stigma and now imagine how these microaggressions come across to someone with extreme social anxiety and BPD…yeah, not good.

It is that much harder for people who are mentally ill to function in a society that is so ready and willing to tear down fat people. Going to a gym or walking outside is hard because we know how skinny people think of us. There is a very common joke here and it is about seeing fat people at the gym; “why even bother -insert laughter here-.” Skinny people tell us to eat less and work out but when they see us at the gym they just make fun of us more. I eventually found out in high school that it is pointless to try and appease the skinny and feed into their bullshit ideas. If someone is fatphobic (aka hates fat people) they are going to be that way no matter how you act, react or go about your life. You will either be lazy and disgusting or seen as trying to do something not meant for you. “We will be isolated and mocked no matter what, so it is best to start dismantling all of the ideas about fat people now” is what I started thinking. I started looking in the mirror and seeing all my fat and curviness as something that was endearing and cute. I would hold my tummy and fall in love with how soft and pretty my skin looked. I looked at my legs and adored how a nice layer of fat covered my impressive leg muscles. Once I started feeling love for my body it became easier for me to lift myself up when I encountered the cruelty the world offers fat people. I knew that everyone was wanting and waiting for me to hate myself for not following a stupid beauty standard and now I feel pride that I can stand up as a fat person and love my body to pieces.

I still struggle with the word lazy though. Even though I understand the ins and outs of fat prejudice, I still sstruggle with being called lazy because I am fat. I think it is the entitlement that the general population feels they have over a fat body that makes me the most heated. I hate the thought that people feel like they have some sort of “ownership” over me because they can “improve” my body. I want people to take a step back and try to imagine things from my point of view; I want them to understand that I am a mentally ill person getting by the best I can and I also just happen to be fat. Me being fat doesn’t mean it is a punisment, bad, a judge of my character or a look into my habits. I am just fat. More importantly, don’t call me lazy because I am fat. Don’t call me lazy because I am not functioning like everyone else. Don’t dismiss the experiences I have been through because I don’t look like you.

-M